I remember several months back I had planned to write a follow up to my “19 and Engaged” post. It was to be titled “20 and married.” The “and pregnant” wasn’t exactly part of the original plan…
I remember the moment I found out I was pregnant. It was 2 months into marriage. I stared at the test in disbelief and utter shock. I was in complete denial. I was just getting used to being a wife and now I was supposed to be a mom?! I wish I could say that it was a joyful and blissful moment for me, but that’d be a lie. I was hysterical. I was overwhelmed by fear and shock and confusion. Chase held me as I cried and wondered how on earth this was possible.
I wasn’t upset because I was having a baby, I mean I’ve always wanted to have lots of kids and I also wanted to have them somewhat young. No, I was so distraught because this wasn’t part of my plan. I had pictured the first year of marriage to be this epic and intimate adventure for just Chase and I to share. I pictured us traveling together, and going on adventures and having minimal responsibilities and just being young and poor and in love together. A baby just did not fit into that plan.
Man, are we entitled creatures. I can honestly say that my fears and tragic emotions over discovering that I was pregnant were all purely selfish. I realized how insanely entitled I am because of the root of my anxieties. This baby wasn’t on my timing; it was inconveniencing me. And the reality of those feelings brought me to my knees. I was again reminded of how much of a sinner I really am and of my insane need for Jesus. Who am I to question His plans or His timing? Who am I to complain about the timing of this sweet little life entering the world? Some people try for years and years to have a child, and even more, some women aren’t able to. And here I was, upset because it happened a bit too early for my liking.
After I surrendered these things up to the Lord, I was able to begin to be excited about this little life growing inside of me. Chase was the sweetest and most patient husband I could’ve ever asked for during those weeks. He constantly reminded me of truth and his excitement over our child helped me to become excited as well. Hearing our baby’s heart beat for the first time overwhelmed me in the best kind of way, and then seeing him move around in the ultrasound for the first time was just a game changer.
My life is a continual reminder that no matter how much control I think I have, God is the one who actually holds my life and my future in His hands. I start to think that I run the show around here, but then He steps in and reminds me that I don’t. He reminds me of my own words surrendering my life up to Him and begging Him to take all control from me. My heart is quick to forget though, and almost instantly I try and take the control back that I just offered up (as if I actually was ever in control in the first place). It’s a perpetual cycle in my life.
I’d like to say that after that it was all smooth sailing, but to be completely honest, it has been (and continues to be) an emotional rollercoaster. Most days I am so excited and just cannot even wait to hold my little boy for the first time, but there are still moments when fear and insecurity creeps back in.
Fears about what people think, fears about random people judging me because I look so young, insecurities about none of my clothes fitting, insecurities about gaining weight, anxiety over awkward conversations with people who don’t know how to react to the news.. all of these things are constant battles that I have to turn to the Word to combat.
When I am wrecked with loneliness as I sit at home doing my schoolwork or editing photos and missing the companionship that comes with living with all of your best friends, Jesus reminds me that He IS ENOUGH. He reminds me that I can be fully content in Him if I simply abide in Him.
When I get insecure about what others may think of me or say about me, I am reminded by the Spirit that people talked about Jesus too. I am reminded that it’s not about me anyways. This isn’t my story, it’s HIS and I am getting to play a tiny little miniscule role in it, and that is enough for me.
When I feel super self- conscious about my body and about gaining weight, I have an insanely sweet husband who constantly tells me how beautiful I am and who reminds me that my beauty comes from Christ, not what I look like anyways. When I start comparing myself to others, or to myself before I was pregnant, I remember the little life inside me and none of those superficial disappointments seem to matter anymore.
People like to ask me quite frequently if I’m ready to be a mom. The answer to that is no. I’m not ready. I honestly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. But that’s where God steps in. I don’t have to be “ready” or know what I’m doing, because He knows exactly what He’s doing and He is my rock. I wasn’t ready to get married, but that has been the absolute BEST thing that has ever happened to me. I know that this baby will be the same way.
The past 7 months of marriage have been incredible. I never imagined I could love another person so much. I never imagined I could feel so safe and so adored by someone. I wake up most mornings, look over at Chase and ask “Are you real?” Because I honestly just can’t fathom why on earth he chooses to love me everyday. If it wasn’t for this pregnancy, we wouldn’t of gotten to grow so much together, to fight for one another so purposefully, to continually remind one another of truth or be forced to totally and completely rely on the Lord together because we know how desperately in need we are for His provision, care and love.
To conclude this novel (sorry about that), the past 7 months have been hard and filled with lots of ups and downs. But they’ve been incredibly sweet as well. I wouldn’t change any of it. I have grown so much as a person as so much of my own sin has been revealed and continues to be revealed in me and as I’ve had to desperately cling to Jesus. My sweet God has been so kind and so faithful to me in this time and has continually poured His love on me, reminding me that I am no longer a slave to fear and reminding me that He is for me.